Lonely Day

So, a lot has happened since I last posted, and life is going a lot better. I'm turning fifteen in less than ten days, and I am super excited! Just one year closer to dating. Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about so I'm just going to let it come out of my fingertips as it does. So, I went to the movies awhile ago, and met this really nice guy named Derek. It took him awhile, but now he likes me so much he dreams about me every night. BTW: I liked him since the first day we met. He and I are becoming really good friends, but there are some issues about the whole relationship thing. I'm trying not to complain, but these things that are bugging me are going to be so hard to fix I almost don't want to try.

Yesterday was my little sisters party, and there were like sixteen girls there. After the party had almost all the way cleared out, there were some other girls still there and I decided I wanted to hang out with them because I actually get along really well with little kids.We got into the discussion about boys, and they kept on begging me to tell them who I liked, but I didn't get to that till later, when there were only some girls left. The reason I wasn't going to tell them, was because they all knew him very well. Just because it was one of the girls brothers. I don't know what it is about him, but I always feel so happy around him.

I've liked him since seventh grade, but I don't really realize it until something weird happens, and it's like a spark or a fire or something. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I definitely feel something with him. I know he doesn't like me because he told me personally, but that can always change, right? I'm trying to be happy but for some reason something is always standing in my way. I know this may sound lame, but I think I've already found the one... People say it's impossible at this age, but I think that like in Eclipse you can really find someone who is going to be that person all the time at whatever age.

I know it may not always be true, but I know at some point he probably will like me that way. It has with several guys I've liked before. The problem is is that it always happens when I've finally gottten over them, and don't like them anymore. I don't think it's happening anytime soon though. I'll write more later, I actually have stuff I have to get to.
 Lark Davis

Remember to Breathe

So the reason I haven't written in ages is because of how hard my life has been lately. I've been having a bunch of inner struggles, like self confidence, self esteem, basically just that. I don't really know what it is about life right now, but everything seems so hard.. It's like I'm struggling with everything and nothing is ever gonna work out. I seem tired all the time, and we've bumped up my meds just a little bit but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.  So, what's going on is that I have depression, anxiety and ADHD and those three are definitely not a good combination. I have an extreme lack of concentration even though I am on the medication that is supposed to help with that. My mind always seems to wander other places, like where I'd rather be instead of where I am in this life. It feels like it's all running really slow, and that I'm not accomplishing anything at all, because that's really what's happening. My viewpoint on life has changed a ton. I used to be happy, flirty, and all that other nice stuff, but if you were to look on the inside of my life you would see someone that wasn't really as confident as they seemed on the outside. I've gotten really good at hiding things over the years, and it's getting on my nerves now, because when everyone thinks I'm doing fine it feels like hell on the inside.

I've fallen in what seems like love several times this year, but it was only really real once. and that time is now. his name is Matt, and although I don't think he feels the same about me, it means so much that he at least values our friendship, and wants to continue talking to me. He and I have so much in common, I can't see why he hasn't noticed our chemistry yet. I can't wait until I decided he's ready to find out the real truth. That I have always loved him, and the feeling has never wavered or dimmed. Every time I see him, it's like all of the stars have aligned, and that the moment is just magical.

When i was dancing with him at the regional, it was like everything was perfect. We danced TWICE and both times it seemed like he was enjoying himself just as much as I did... maybe more. I went home that night and it ended in tears... it was happy and sad at the same time, because I was happy he had been there, and danced with me, but as soon as I got home the sadness that the time was over, and that I wasn't going to see him for awhile. He is like the miracle in my life... like seriously. The moment I first saw him my whole world brightened, and I could not tear my eyes away from him!

I have liked him longer than I really thought I would... it's insane, because he is just my kind of guy, but he's so popular that he's completely out of reach to me. I don't even know what to say anymore haha... I'm just really confused I guess. How can people have so much in common, and be such good friends, but not love each other in the same way? How can someone feel one way, and the other not.... I just wish things would decide for themselves once and for all instead of procrastinating and making me deal with all of this pain and heartbreak before I get my happiness?

I'm going to stop now so you don't have to listen to my yammering for longer than you want to... Thanks to whoever reads this. I love all of you!
<3/
Beautiful <3