New Boyfriend.... Maybe

Yes, I may be getting a new boyfriend. I may just be getting hooked up with this eighth grader who is on the wrestling team who happens to be really sexy. Sorry, pardon my language, but it is a fact! He's single, and looking for a girlfriend, but I got this huge lecture from my other friend who doesn't approve of my liking him because apparently he's a flirt. I'm so mad at her right now, and I think the only reason she disapproves of this relationship between me and him is because she's been hurt so many times by guys she just doesn't trust them anymore. I'm different then her and I can't understand why she doesn't trust me in simple things. I understand that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but seriously, sometimes I can handle myself without a babysitter which is what she's being. The guys have a wrestling practice today after school and I'm kind of torn between going to all of that, and missing out on Miamaid Camp, or going to part of it and still going to camp. The reason I would stay the whole time is because I wanted to talk to this guy after the practice and get to know him... I guess I could just text him like my friend suggested, but I think it would work a lot better to talk in person because I usually use electronics to hide behind when I can really be myself... See my issue? I mean, I feel like I need to go to Miamaid camp, but I still want to talk to this guy, and see what my options are. I did get dressed up just for him... and I mightaswell take advantage of that. My friend seems to think that her friend--the guy who I might go out with will like me just as much as I like him, but he seems to be out of my league because of how amazing he is. Okay, maybe I should stop complaining now... I have a good life, but I need someone to take care of me. You know what I'm saying? Someone who can love me more than my parents can, and who will respect me, and help me make good decisions. I need a guy who will hold me in his arms when I'm sad, and wipe away my tears when I cry. Well, tears are coming to my eyes now... and I don't know why. I've been told that guys aren't worth your tears, but seriously, some really are... also, I've been told that the boy who is worth your tears won't make you cry... I don't know what to believe anymore. Believe it or not, I have been hurt too. I'm one of those girls who loves hard, then falls even harder. Believe me, it sucks to be me. No, I am most definitely not suicidal again, but I'm kind of on the verge of tears. I think things are going to work out, then kaboom, they don't; and I'm thrown back into the despair that I've always seemed to find myself in. I think I'm going to be a lot happier when I've figured all of this out, and I'm happily talking to Harrison/Harryson however you spell it. Yep, just gave you his name! Anyway, wish me luck! I still haven't made my decision about the practice, but I know that I have to go to a little bit of wrestling. I just hope he doesn't get hurt again... <3

another day in the life of me

Well, I do believe it's time for me to do another blog post, on this blog that lots of people happen to have read, but I'm not getting any feedback. I guess I could look at this in a different way... I'm not getting any negative feedback, so that's a good thing. I have such a huge headache right now! My two year old sister is screaming her lungs out because my mom wouldn't let her sit on her lap because she was screaming. I can't wait to get under the warm covers! I just put my blanket in the washer so when it comes out its going to be nice and toasty on this February evening. I'm goin' skiing tomorrow with a really close family friend of  ours, and I am way excited! We get to spend practically the whole day with them, and it's great because it's been forever since we did anything involving messing around with them. I see the girl whose my age every day at school, but we never really talk anymore and I actually miss it a lot! Sorry about all of these exclamation points I'm using, I'm just in a really good mood right now. For the LDS church that I attend regularly we had a  a dance yesterday--Well it would have been yesterday earlier... Right now, it's 12:20 so it's more of a morning that an evening. So, anyway we had a dance, and honestly, it was one of the awesomest nights of my life. Yeah, I danced with soem hot guys. But also, the exciting part is that most of them asked me instead of me having to walk up to them with courage and ask them myself. One of the guys I danced with I have had a crush on for the longest time. Well, as long as this year anyway.

There was this other guy I've known for like forever, and I actually used to like and I had no idea that he he even thought of me at all because of certain things that happened between me and him... I'll explain all of that later. So anyway he just came right up and asked me... Personally I think he likes me but who ever really knows for sure, right? Anyway, I'm going to find out sometime or another. Thanks for listening to my rambling! Love you guys!
Confused.

Oh Joy.... This is going to be interesting

Well, yes I'm doing something very interesting right now... I'm typing upside down. You know how you can flip the screen over to a different view well this morning I figured out how to make it go upside down and I'm kind of used to it upside down now so I don't think I'm going to be changing int any time soon. Sorry for any typos. I can't help it. My spelling is different when I see words the backwards way they're supposed to be. Anyway, there was a Valentines Dance yesterday and even though  I said I was going to dance with a lot of guys, I only danced with one. No, it wasn't the lion because this happened to be a school dance and if you remember, he's in college. Anyway, back to the point of this whole thing. Sorry if I start rambling... sometimes it happens. So, for the first twenty minutes or so of the Valentines Dance I just stood around staring at certain people that I really wanted to dance with. Then I saw him dancing with an eight grader and I flipped. I had to try as hard as I could to hold in a scream... somehow it cam out anyway. Well, I finally did get my dance with Evan after like another half an hour o just standing there all depressed, my friends finally pushed me over to him and made me ask him... we started talking about braces, but soon that got boring so I casually started talking about the fact that both of us play piano and we're on the same level. He said he hated it, and I admitted that it was more of a girl thing to do. Then we got into sports... he plays rugby and football... ooh two of the hottest sports that guys can play. Along with basketball and several others. I went home floating on a cloud after that dance... For some reason all I needed to do was look into his eyes and then I'd feel like everything was fine. The really ironic thing about all of this is that I was watching Criminal Minds this morning and there was one where this lady looked into his eyes and that's why she fell into his trap. He said he loved her and everything, and the blasted idiot believed that murderous wench. Well I'm feeling very emotional today, aren't I. I should probably go soon, but there should be more coming later. I love all of you guys and I love your support!!! Woohoo!

Love,
Broken, but healing slowly
<3

Ugh Parents :/

Well I only have fifteen minutes so I'm going to try to make this quick. Yesterday I decided that I was going to get on a chat room. My parents are being really annoying. So I got onto this special chat place for teens and if you do anything inappropriate then you get booted off automatically. The first person that tried to talk to me was just a jerk so I talked mostly with the next person. BTW all of the people I talked to were guys. So the second guy I started talking to--I mean, started talking to me-- happens to be a really good friend right now, and also maybe my boyfriend soon.We've been texting all day, and were friends on Facebook and he's a guy I really trust even though he lives all the way in California and I'll probably not meet him till I take a visit there. It's really hard to concentrate right now, so it'll probably not be much longer. So anyway, I went on a long walk today and while I was standing in 711 I texted Erik and I told him that he was the guy I'd been asking for advice about. He said that that was cool and that he thought I sounded nice and that I was fun to talk to. So, I asked him if he would ever consider going out with me, and he told me that he wanted to see what I looked like because I don't have very many pictures on Facebook. So I'm going to get him a picture as soon as possible. In other words, probably not for a week or so because my camera has been being really dumb lately. Anyway, he's probably one of the cutest and nicest and funniest guys I have ever met and I just hope that he'll be my Valentine because I don't want to spend this Valentine's Day single like I always do. I would give you a picture of him but I promised that if he gave me a picture of him I'd just keep it to myself instead of showing it off to the whole world. I have been so tired all day... I'm not even sure why though. I looked on the computer at the difference in Timezones between California and Utah and Utah is one hour ahead of California and I've been comparing our times all day for some reason. Erik is so easy to talk to and I've been thinking that it's probably because he's almost a complete stranger. I've never talked to him in person but I feel like were already best friends. I know he has his friends and I have mine, but I feel like him and I have become really good friends already. He swears, but not too bad.... and we have so much in common it's insane--sorry about that-- I promised I'd stop talking about being insane. I just hope that Erik says yes, because I can't really deal with anything like refusal right now. Life is already so difficult that I can't take anymore. I'm not talking about doing anything stupid... but I feel like I need something like a long nap, or maybe hibernation. I guess I'll just pray about it. He's my age, and completely trustworthy. G'night. I guess I had better go. My parents are probably reading this over my shoulder.

Love,
The Daydreamer

Good News!

Well I'm pretty happy right now... It's really early in the morning right now and I haven't been able to sleep again. I don't know what's wrong but it's so dumb.I'm watching Wizards of Waverly Place. It's really dumb how easily Justin is getting blackmailed into telling secrets about being a wizard. Thank goodness it's taking away all of the problems I've been having recently with my emotions.Ooh so dramatic. It was so easy for them to make Justin believe that aliens were going to attack the earth by making a fake alien voice. Also, I made the choice to request Claron as a friend on Facebook. I know for some people that wouldn't be such a big deal to some people, but to me it's such a big deal because he just accepted it about ten minutes ago. I haven't been having very good dreams lately. Actually, I can't really just say not very good dreams because they have been a lot worse than that. They are more like nightmares




It all started when I found out he loved me. (Remember this was a dream) I had been crushing on him--and still am in real life--for what felt like forever, and now that I was of legal age to date him he finally took the courage to ask me out. We started going out, and eventually the feelings became deeper than just a crush. I could feel he was going to ask to marry me.

In my dream, we were dancing. Twirling around in tight circles. I could tell that at that point he never wanted to let me go. We danced for what felt like hours until our feet hurt. So, we stopped dancing. The moon above us was full and bright, and smiles played on both of our lips. Then, what I had been waiting for for the longest time happened. He leaned down and kissed me.

I could feel the emotions he was feeling. Love, desparation. Want. It zoomed to a few weeks prior to that. He and his family were sitting at a picnic in a feild that I recognized for some reason. I wasn't there. Neither was his sister who happens to be my best, and closest friend. The song "I Won't Let Go," by Rascal Flatts played in the background, but it wasn't from the point of view the original song is from. It was from the person who was in harms way's point of view. "Don't let me go," I heard my voice say.

Then it zoomed to a pair of trees. There I hung in a noose. I don't know where this dream came from, but it totally creeped me out and I woke up in tears.

The only thing they felt at that picnic was my spirit.aven't really been having very good dreams lately. Actually, it's been a bit more than not very good dreams... it's more like a nightmare. Here, I'll copy it here for you.


Depressing, huh... Well, I better let you stop reading this now even though I love it when you do. Lov eyou! Goodnight!

Her It goes again

Well I'm back. I am so exhausted, so this may be really short, even though that isn't what I want right now. I am so confused. I've already seen Tyler like four times today and I've been acting like nothing happened, but I've noticed that I've talked to myself a lot more. Wow, it's kind of scary to be typing while I'm half asleep. I won't make this too long, I'm just going to try to keep myself under control and keep myself as awake as I can. Well, my eyes are drooping lower and lower by the second so I should probably just stop right now, but if I fall asleep I'd probably have a nightmare so I'm just going to continue on with my half-awake rambling. I'm in Study Skills and we're talking about paying attention in class. Yeah, I don't think that is going to work very good for me. Tears are coming into my eyes again but I'm not going to cry because I don't really want my mascara all over my face, and I'm really sure that I don't want anybody to see me cry like I did this morning. I know, it's dumb to cry over guys, but I can't really help it! I cry like every few months or another about guys. I think my depression meds are making me stay up all night because of lack of sleep... and then when I try to go to school I get really tired and I can't manage just to stay awake. I almost fell asleep. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. I wish I could just get an answer without having all of the stress beating down on me. I guess I need to read my scriptures or something. I felt so much better on Friday after I had read the scriptures for awhile--like two hours. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm freakin' exhausted. I don't even sound excited as I usually do about being at school. I guess it's just because I'm tired and I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Like guys. Yeah, what a surprise huh? I'm probably going to go soon, I can't think of much else to write. Just remember that I'll try to be in a good mood when i finally wake up from this slumber.

Love, Goodbye!

EMMA

Well this is Depressing.

Time for another long day! Well, if you could only see me now. I'm listening to Phantom of the Opera again, and I haven't slept at all again... I know, so lame. If you could only see the tears pouring out of my eyes and soul right now. Then maybe you'd be sorry. Then maybe you'd actually consider giving me a chance. Sorry, told you this was depressing. We were talking in Sunday School today about trials and adversity, and I just happened to mention that the adversity in my life right now, is him being out of my league. I know, it sounds really dumb to some people, but because of the age difference I'm really afraid to say that it's true. Every time I'm near him I feel this magic inside of me that gives me momentary happiness that only lasts for a minute. Then I realize once again that he could never really love me. I know I'm having a lot of doubt right now, and you guys would say that anything is possible, but my belief at the moment is that no matter how many times I try to deny it, he will always bee most definitely out of my league, unless some miracle happens, which I highly doubt will because of the age gap. My grandma always talks about how amazing this guy is, and honestly, by how I talk about him I don't think I need anyone to tell me how amazing he is. I think it's really ironic how I keep on complaining to every body about not being able to sleep and concentrate. People tell me that it's my own choice if I sleep or not, but I really have to argue. I can't concentrate because I have really complicated things on my mind and if you've ever tried to clear things away from your mind like that, then you know how I feel. It's always on my mind--what he thinks about me--which I know, it definitely isn't a lot. I just wish I could do something to make him notice me more than he does. I've prayed about it... I know, insane, and I feel such a strong spirit about that decision. And don't you dare laugh at me! I write on here to write how I feel and it's your fault if you don't agree with what I say. Sometimes I just have to say  what I believe, and let people not understand if that's the way they want things to go. I think it's stupid how I always talk about how it's impossible to go sleep, and how my dreams are the only place I can be completely happy. So, in other words I'm living a really hard life right now, because I can't go to my dream world where everything seems to go my way. I fall in love so easily, and then I get hurt a lot. I've decided that I'm temporarily building up a wall around me so no one can hurt me. I'm not sure how long that's going to work though. The tears are still coming, and I still can't figure out how to make them stop. I've been so annoyed with my growing attraction to my ex when I had my whole future life planned out. Now that I think about it, actually. When he and I were in fifth grade he was already talking about our honeymoon. People used to tease me and him that we would get married one day, but now I see that that definitely isn't going to work out the way we thought it was. I swear, with all of the thoughts I have I could write a novel in five minutes. I wish I could fall asleep. I close my eyes, but for some stupid reason the thought of even having a bad dream is scaring me too much. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. More later.

Teary Eyed.

Good Morning

Yeah.... no. After a long try at falling asleep, I finally gave up at 3:45 in the morning. I'm insane. I swear I'm about to fall asleep, but funny thing is, it won't come. No matter how hard I try, I can't get sucked back into that dream world that I've been so happy in before the past three nights. I don't know what it is about my dreams, but they always either end really happy or really sad... It's really messed up, and seeing Claron last night didn't really help even though I was way excited to see him like any other girl in love would be. Yesterday he was standing right behind me while I was eating dinner and Anne told me he was staring right at me and it wasn't a good stare.... later, she told me he hadn't even been looking at all. All evening I had been worried about the fact that he knew how I really felt even though there is some part of me--even if it's tiny--that really wants to know what he thinks, because he's the kind of guy I want to watch scary movies with, and crime shows, and feel-good movies. Basically, forgive the comparison to that baby, but basically, Claron is my Romeo. I know, way cheesy but I couldn't help it. It's almost four o'clock now, 3:50 to be exact, and I'm still nowhere close to sleeping. I was sitting up in my bed for most of last night imagining what it would be like if things really were working out for me and Claron. It's been really nice knowing that he doesn't really know, and  that my deepest but not darkest secret is still safe with me for now. I was sitting on Anne's couch yesterday, and I started writing a song about 'the lion', but I didn't get very far before Anne told me that he really didn't know, and that she was having an off day like me. I can't listen to music because of the fact that it happens to be 3:54 AM, and that I don't have any headphones because I left them at Anne's so I'm kind of screwed there in a sense.

She was teasing me yesterday, about how I like her brother, and she was saying stuff like, 'you like my brother', and 'he has a car,' and 'I can tell him things...' I was pretty scared there for a minute, because I didn't know what kind of things Anne meant... Now, I know she was just kidding about the whole thing. I was sitting at the dinner table--this was before he was standing behind me, and I was staring off into the distance and I started hearing and seeing things the way I wish they were in my mind's eye. It was a scene from Twilight... the one where Edward is singing Bella to bed, but it was me and 'the lion' in the scene instead of the normal characters, and 'the lion' didn't happen to be a vampire so I was safe. Wow, I'm tearing up over here.

I guess it's already been too long since I've seen him to have his face memorized... I mean, I have the basics of it, like the eye shape, and lip shape, but the contours of his face, and his nose, those ones have always been harder for me to get. I would find a way to put a pic of him on here, but that would just end badly because Anne is most likely reading this right now, and she would probably slap me if I did. All I really know right now, is that I see a future in him, and I will do almost anything to get him to feel the same about me. I should probably try to get back to bed soon, but I'll probably be back in an hour or so.... It's four o'clock, and I am still not asleep.
i
--Emotionally Tired.