So the reason I haven't written in ages is because of how hard my life has been lately. I've been having a bunch of inner struggles, like self confidence, self esteem, basically just that. I don't really know what it is about life right now, but everything seems so hard.. It's like I'm struggling with everything and nothing is ever gonna work out. I seem tired all the time, and we've bumped up my meds just a little bit but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. So, what's going on is that I have depression, anxiety and ADHD and those three are definitely not a good combination. I have an extreme lack of concentration even though I am on the medication that is supposed to help with that. My mind always seems to wander other places, like where I'd rather be instead of where I am in this life. It feels like it's all running really slow, and that I'm not accomplishing anything at all, because that's really what's happening. My viewpoint on life has changed a ton. I used to be happy, flirty, and all that other nice stuff, but if you were to look on the inside of my life you would see someone that wasn't really as confident as they seemed on the outside. I've gotten really good at hiding things over the years, and it's getting on my nerves now, because when everyone thinks I'm doing fine it feels like hell on the inside.
I've fallen in what seems like love several times this year, but it was only really real once. and that time is now. his name is Matt, and although I don't think he feels the same about me, it means so much that he at least values our friendship, and wants to continue talking to me. He and I have so much in common, I can't see why he hasn't noticed our chemistry yet. I can't wait until I decided he's ready to find out the real truth. That I have always loved him, and the feeling has never wavered or dimmed. Every time I see him, it's like all of the stars have aligned, and that the moment is just magical.
When i was dancing with him at the regional, it was like everything was perfect. We danced TWICE and both times it seemed like he was enjoying himself just as much as I did... maybe more. I went home that night and it ended in tears... it was happy and sad at the same time, because I was happy he had been there, and danced with me, but as soon as I got home the sadness that the time was over, and that I wasn't going to see him for awhile. He is like the miracle in my life... like seriously. The moment I first saw him my whole world brightened, and I could not tear my eyes away from him!
I have liked him longer than I really thought I would... it's insane, because he is just my kind of guy, but he's so popular that he's completely out of reach to me. I don't even know what to say anymore haha... I'm just really confused I guess. How can people have so much in common, and be such good friends, but not love each other in the same way? How can someone feel one way, and the other not.... I just wish things would decide for themselves once and for all instead of procrastinating and making me deal with all of this pain and heartbreak before I get my happiness?
I'm going to stop now so you don't have to listen to my yammering for longer than you want to... Thanks to whoever reads this. I love all of you!
<3/
Beautiful <3
I've fallen in what seems like love several times this year, but it was only really real once. and that time is now. his name is Matt, and although I don't think he feels the same about me, it means so much that he at least values our friendship, and wants to continue talking to me. He and I have so much in common, I can't see why he hasn't noticed our chemistry yet. I can't wait until I decided he's ready to find out the real truth. That I have always loved him, and the feeling has never wavered or dimmed. Every time I see him, it's like all of the stars have aligned, and that the moment is just magical.
When i was dancing with him at the regional, it was like everything was perfect. We danced TWICE and both times it seemed like he was enjoying himself just as much as I did... maybe more. I went home that night and it ended in tears... it was happy and sad at the same time, because I was happy he had been there, and danced with me, but as soon as I got home the sadness that the time was over, and that I wasn't going to see him for awhile. He is like the miracle in my life... like seriously. The moment I first saw him my whole world brightened, and I could not tear my eyes away from him!
I have liked him longer than I really thought I would... it's insane, because he is just my kind of guy, but he's so popular that he's completely out of reach to me. I don't even know what to say anymore haha... I'm just really confused I guess. How can people have so much in common, and be such good friends, but not love each other in the same way? How can someone feel one way, and the other not.... I just wish things would decide for themselves once and for all instead of procrastinating and making me deal with all of this pain and heartbreak before I get my happiness?
I'm going to stop now so you don't have to listen to my yammering for longer than you want to... Thanks to whoever reads this. I love all of you!
<3/
Beautiful <3
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