Round and Round

Yeah, I ended up coming back to my blog. I'm so bored now, even though I've got the TV going in the background. I'm watching Once Upon A Time right now, which is tied as my favorite show even though I don't really get how all of them link together. Just kidding, I totally do. It's so easy to follow. That's one of the reasons why I love it so much. Especially Prince Charming, who is perfect for me. Yes, me and no one else. I know I seem so defensive now that the whole charming thing has come into the picture. I guess I just wish he were really mine.. I know he's like ten years older than me (maybe even older) but he's still mine because I love him. I know he's just an actor, but its his character that I love and I don't even know his name... his real name that is.

I slept half the day away and now I'm even more exhausted then before. I'm not even sure why I even woke up. I'm so exhausted I can barely keep awake to write this. So, while I try to blink myself awake I guess I'll just tell you my two favorite shows and then tell you why I love them so much.

1. Future Diary
It's about the guy who gets the Diary, I know I know I've explained it before. I love it because the character Yuno reminds me of me. I'm vulnerable, and I'm really in love with this guy right now. The only thing is I don't think I would take it as far as Yuno did.

I've already explained Once Upon A Time, it's the show about the fairy tales being real;)

Anime

Well, I'm really bored right now, I have been since morning so I decided I was going to watch Anime until something more interesting came up. It's in sub so I'm trying really hard to pay attention because obviously I don't speak Japanese fluently and I need either subtitles or the dub version to understand what is going on. Right now I'm watching Future Diary which is my new favorite Anime as of when Haiden told me to watch it when we first met. I seriously love that kid.  He has been so nice to me and I love talking to him because it makes me feel important.

We met at Anime Banzai and I kinda stalked him (not literally) so I could find out who he really was. He's seventeen and he acts like he's really into me. I can't help but be head over heels for him. Future Diary is his favorite Anime so I thought I'd give it a try. He seems LDS but I'm not sure if he is or notso I simply have to wait until he either confirms or denies it. I really can't want. That's really all I wanted to say on this post, but if something happens later I'll be sure to update you. Thank you so much for reading my blog:) I love all of you!

Meow

Let me start my saying that I really don't know what this blog entry is going to be about. I've been roleplaying all day, and it's fun I'm just really tired and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I've had it with guys. They are just too confusing and I'm not really sure what to do next. There isn't much going on here in my little city, but I wish there was. I just got home from my grandparents thanksgiving dinner, and it was delicious. There's only one problem. I only ate mashed potatoes because I have a problem where I am leaning on the side of anorexia. I know, scary. Just don't tell anyone, because I've already been chewed out by all of my friends and I'm tired of it.

I don't really have much to say other than I think I'm in love. Yes, I know I say this a ton, but this guy has been here for me through and through. His name is Jared, and he is AMAZING. We talk every day and I really can't handle it when he doesn't talk to me a lot. He hasn't answered for a little bit so I'm getting a little bit worried about why. Sometimes he just gets busy and that may be it, but one never knows. Wish me luck, any tips, please email me <3

So Happy

Well I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I just gotta say that I am happy. My ex of a few months messaged with me yesterday, and I discovered some pretty AMAZING things. Like for one, he took two months to get over me instead of the few days I thought it was. I don't know why, but I still love the kid even though I hurt him. Not intentionally of course, but I have my standards and I'm not so sure he really respected those. I really want him back but he's taken.

Here's what I know:

• she's gorgeous
• he basically replaced me with her when she's nearly the same person as me. Same hair, same eyes, we both wear glasses, she says she's lucky to have him 
• I miss him... a lot more than I should. Derek, if you read this... Know I love you. Yep, I still love you <3
• He's beautiful. He's the most amazing guy I've ever met, and I really want to share my life with him, because he makes me happier than anybody else ever has.

Well, I gotta go now, but I'll probably write more after school.
<3/
Leila

Epic Fail

Well if you remember from my last post, I was trying not to like any guys, but just yesterday I realized there are actually two guys that I like. One who I'm really good friends with, and another one that I actually don't know that well because we were only introduced a few days ago, but I kinda had a moment where things were a little bit dramatic and now I like him.

My Close Friend
Fitting title for the guy. Ever since the beginning of the year he and I have become really close and I'm afraid that I just realized that both he and I like each other. I mean, I sorta knew he liked me, but it's more of the fact that I didn't realize I liked him till now, and the thing is it's making it really hard to concentrate because not being around him makes me miss him terribly and I  spend all of my time wondering if he's thinking about me too.
There was a little while ago, a time when we were talking about crushes, and he wouldn't tell us who he liked so I'm assuming that it was someone in our group--either me, or this other girl who also likes him--I'm personally hoping it's me. He and I have nearly everything in common, and the fact that he's so easy to talk to makes him so much easier to talk to. That's that whole story--or the jist of it if you wanted to hear, now for the other guy.

My Best Friend's Crush
Another fitting title. So, about a year ago I re-met a really good friend of mine, and ever since then we've been getting closer. For secrecy I won't reveal her name, but I will tell you that she is also just like me. A writer, and such a caring person. So, eventually we became so close that we started talking about crushes and she told me all the time about this guy she's liked for awhile, but I didn't meet him until a few days ago like I said before. Well, here's the thing. It's kind of ironic, but at first I didn't think he was that attractive, but now that I've seen him it's kind of changed a ton.
Technically, I liked him from the first moment I saw him, but it's kind of backfired because he now knows, and he doesn't like me back. I will say it hurts, but honestly, I like my close friend a lot more than this guy even though I feel like I can tell him anything. My friend, the one who likes this guy took finding out pretty well, but she still gets first dibs which I don't mind at all.

It's not like I'm trying to find a husband or anything, sometimes it's just a fun thing to like a guy and get caught up in all of the stuff that goes on. I hope something good happens.
Later,
Leila

NO More Guys!

So, as of today, I've decided not to let any more guys in my life unless they choose to let me in theirs the way I want them to. I've been hurt so many times, and I'm sick of it. Personally, right now I don't really care if they hate me or not, but honestly, I would be very grateful if they didn't. The times I've been hurt are stupid, and all I need to focus on right now is school. Thanks boys, for everything.
Leila <3

Meh

I would say that I feel indifferent about all of this, but I really don't. Everything seems to be falling apart now, and I'm really tired of it. Things with guys, family--well not as much, but it's still a little bit hard right now. I don't like anyone right now because I kind of forgot how horrible it is to get your heart broken and since I did, I have no interest in guys. I feel like everything in this world is crashing into me and I'm tired of it. I just want one thing to go right for once, but it looks like I'm not even going to get that.

I know that people say good things come to those who wait and I'm still really young, but I honestly believe I've waited long enough for something to happen. Seriously, how long does a girl have to wait for something positively wonderful to happen, for someone to look at her the way she wants them to. I may be young, and shouldn't expect it, but my problem in life is that I have never been truly in love. I've always thought I was, and that they loved me back but I was wrong.

I'm going to make you a list of what I want in a guy. I'd appreciate it if you didn't leave rude comments in the comments section because y'all are lucky that I'm sharing such personal information with all of you.

1. I want them to respect me.  Respect has always been a big thing with me. If I meet a guy that only wants me for my body the whole thing will end after only a few minutes of what happened. 
2. I want them to love me no matter what. If I were to meet a guy that wanted to change things about me  without looking at the positive, I won't go for it. I want them to show me they love me by believing I'm beautiful just the way I am.
3. I'd honestly have to say that I want them to be attractive. I've heard it said that you have to find the guy you're with attractive or it isn't a real relationship. I guess that the attractiveness could grow overtime.
4. I want them to be a perfect gentleman. They need to show me that there are guys out there that will love you, and fight for you, and share their secrets and keep their promises with me.

 I want the guy to come to me. I don't care if he's shy, I want him to be brave for me. I want him to be happy for me with my accomplishments, and have me be one of his accomplishments, but not just that. I want him to see my love as a gift, and to respect that I can take it away at any point. Thanks everyone for reading this, and thanks but I've gotta get  going right now.
--Em

 

Sorta, Kinda, Not Really

Well, the title basically explains how I'm feeling at the moment. I've learned a lot of things that have been really hard for me, especially today, and there are a few things that I hate to have to deal with in this life. Just barely today, I found out that the boy I like a lot doesn't feel the same about me, and that is killing me. For the longest time I honestly believed that it was reciprocated, but his sister, just barely today informed me otherwise. I guess I've had my time and believing the way he felt was the same that I did, but I should have figured otherwise. Instead of making a list of all the things that went wrong, I'm going to tell you a few stories. Stories that happened between him and I that made me happy when they happened, but now they kind of haunt me.

• Our first Waltz
• Well, it was a regional dance, and I danced with this person twice. It was the best ten minutes of my life, and I can't really express how grateful I am for all of this. No matter how much I hurt now, it really was worth all of the things that happened that made me happy. He's the one that taught me how to waltz, and I will honestly say that nothing is going to tear me away from liking--or loving him.
• The Phantom and Christine
• It started at a a dance party. Sara and I were dancing around, and then he came in the room. My one and only, my phantom, my angel of music and he turned on that very song and he gave me the opportunity to be Christine for once in my life. It was probably one of the best times of my life and it will never be taken away from me no matter what happens.

No matter what happens in the next little while, when Matthew goes on his mission I'll always remember the way he makes me feel when I'm around him. He may not like me now, but I know with a conviction that he will at one point like me, even if it's after I don't like him (which I'm also doubting will ever happen).

1. He is my happiness
2. His voice mesmerizes me like the angel of music.
3. We get along quite well
4. I know his sister well

I'm not quite sure what that list was of, but it's what I typed up, so here we go. I should probably go now, so I don't dwell too much on the things that cause me pain.

Love,

Lindsay <3

Just Being Me

Well, I am back after a temporary vacancy of posting. Not much has happened, but what has had been simply amazing to me, and it brings me great joy to tell all of you that the time I have spent down in the dumps has been changed to great happiness now, and I hope to never go back. So, for a recap. I don't know who I last spoke about on the hand of guys, but instead of talking about guys like I usually do I just want to tell you that I have changed a lot since I last talked to you and even I have noticed a change in my maturity. I've learned a lot and I just wanted to share a few things with you.

1. There is no age limit to be in love, you just have to have a certain maturity about you that you understand what being in love really takes.

• You have to care about someone so much that you would put their happiness in front of your own, even if it hurts you a lot to not be with them.

2. Love doesn't necessarily have to go both ways, it just has to be accepted that you understand them, and truly know who they are without assuming things.

I've had my scars, and I've made my mistakes, but I just want to let you know that every moment of it was worth it. Yes, I know, my life is very far from being done, but even in my young age I've learned a lot, and hope that I can learn even more. I'm even looking forward to the heart break because that will just give me even more opportunities to learn.

When I think about all I've learned and how it's gotten me through all of this to know that God is really here and he understands me. I've had such a great life, and when I think about the fact of it ever being over would just kill me. I'm just watching Phantom of the Opera and it's reminding me of the person right now that is very close to me who I have been trying to get much closer to. He is my Phantom, and I'm his Christine (as I see it, anyway)

I told you I wasn't going to bring guys into this but I really can't help it now that I've already started talking about it. His name shall remain secret, but the fact that he means so much to me means that I probably wouldn't be afraid of telling you who he was. He has such a big heart, and don't misunderstand me when I say this, but he makes me seem like a horrible person when it comes to manners. He is such a gentleman and he always makes me feel right at home whenever we're talking.

The song Think of Me totally explains what he makes me feel, and when I see his smile and hear his laugh it makes me wish that he would think of me even more than I did even when I had just barely met him.
For now I mmust go, but I really appreciate anyone who reads this. It's good to vent, and I love all of your comments/advice so please comment away even if I don't know you. Thanks.
Ema

Lonely Day

So, a lot has happened since I last posted, and life is going a lot better. I'm turning fifteen in less than ten days, and I am super excited! Just one year closer to dating. Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about so I'm just going to let it come out of my fingertips as it does. So, I went to the movies awhile ago, and met this really nice guy named Derek. It took him awhile, but now he likes me so much he dreams about me every night. BTW: I liked him since the first day we met. He and I are becoming really good friends, but there are some issues about the whole relationship thing. I'm trying not to complain, but these things that are bugging me are going to be so hard to fix I almost don't want to try.

Yesterday was my little sisters party, and there were like sixteen girls there. After the party had almost all the way cleared out, there were some other girls still there and I decided I wanted to hang out with them because I actually get along really well with little kids.We got into the discussion about boys, and they kept on begging me to tell them who I liked, but I didn't get to that till later, when there were only some girls left. The reason I wasn't going to tell them, was because they all knew him very well. Just because it was one of the girls brothers. I don't know what it is about him, but I always feel so happy around him.

I've liked him since seventh grade, but I don't really realize it until something weird happens, and it's like a spark or a fire or something. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I definitely feel something with him. I know he doesn't like me because he told me personally, but that can always change, right? I'm trying to be happy but for some reason something is always standing in my way. I know this may sound lame, but I think I've already found the one... People say it's impossible at this age, but I think that like in Eclipse you can really find someone who is going to be that person all the time at whatever age.

I know it may not always be true, but I know at some point he probably will like me that way. It has with several guys I've liked before. The problem is is that it always happens when I've finally gottten over them, and don't like them anymore. I don't think it's happening anytime soon though. I'll write more later, I actually have stuff I have to get to.
 Lark Davis

Remember to Breathe

So the reason I haven't written in ages is because of how hard my life has been lately. I've been having a bunch of inner struggles, like self confidence, self esteem, basically just that. I don't really know what it is about life right now, but everything seems so hard.. It's like I'm struggling with everything and nothing is ever gonna work out. I seem tired all the time, and we've bumped up my meds just a little bit but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.  So, what's going on is that I have depression, anxiety and ADHD and those three are definitely not a good combination. I have an extreme lack of concentration even though I am on the medication that is supposed to help with that. My mind always seems to wander other places, like where I'd rather be instead of where I am in this life. It feels like it's all running really slow, and that I'm not accomplishing anything at all, because that's really what's happening. My viewpoint on life has changed a ton. I used to be happy, flirty, and all that other nice stuff, but if you were to look on the inside of my life you would see someone that wasn't really as confident as they seemed on the outside. I've gotten really good at hiding things over the years, and it's getting on my nerves now, because when everyone thinks I'm doing fine it feels like hell on the inside.

I've fallen in what seems like love several times this year, but it was only really real once. and that time is now. his name is Matt, and although I don't think he feels the same about me, it means so much that he at least values our friendship, and wants to continue talking to me. He and I have so much in common, I can't see why he hasn't noticed our chemistry yet. I can't wait until I decided he's ready to find out the real truth. That I have always loved him, and the feeling has never wavered or dimmed. Every time I see him, it's like all of the stars have aligned, and that the moment is just magical.

When i was dancing with him at the regional, it was like everything was perfect. We danced TWICE and both times it seemed like he was enjoying himself just as much as I did... maybe more. I went home that night and it ended in tears... it was happy and sad at the same time, because I was happy he had been there, and danced with me, but as soon as I got home the sadness that the time was over, and that I wasn't going to see him for awhile. He is like the miracle in my life... like seriously. The moment I first saw him my whole world brightened, and I could not tear my eyes away from him!

I have liked him longer than I really thought I would... it's insane, because he is just my kind of guy, but he's so popular that he's completely out of reach to me. I don't even know what to say anymore haha... I'm just really confused I guess. How can people have so much in common, and be such good friends, but not love each other in the same way? How can someone feel one way, and the other not.... I just wish things would decide for themselves once and for all instead of procrastinating and making me deal with all of this pain and heartbreak before I get my happiness?

I'm going to stop now so you don't have to listen to my yammering for longer than you want to... Thanks to whoever reads this. I love all of you!
<3/
Beautiful <3

Time For Change

I’ve been thinking a lot about it this week, and I really need to change. I have been really upset with myself lately because I’ve been misbehaving a lot lately, yes, I know this blog post is going to be all about how I want to change. it’s pretty loud over here because I’m actually supposed to be babysitting, but as usual I would rather blog instead of taking care of the little children called my siblings. Don’t worry, there are two more people here who can take care of them just as well as I can, maybe even better. So anyway, I’m kind of bored right now, but as I was saying before I’d really like to change. I’ve been using some pretty vulgar language lately, and I’m a little bit worried about it because maybe that’s the reason why Harryson doesn’t like me—oh, that’s a long story that I’ll have to tell you later because I don’t have much time right now. I’m just sitting on my couch watching Wendy Wu Homecoming Warrior which I haven’t seen in forever for some reason. I feel like I’m half asleep right now, but I have no idea why, and also I’m confused about the whole Harryson situation with him asking Maddi out and everything. Well right now, I am seriously dying here. Before I started this particular post this evening, I was writing another letter to Harryson for him to read in four years when he’s about to graduate from High School. Then, I will have been graduated for a year, and probably in high school. I would do anything for that kid. I would die for him. I would seriously lose my whole reputation just to make him happy, if it didn’t in any way take him any further away from me. I want to be closer to him, but things aren’t working out very well. I’ve been saying my prayers and wishing for the best, but maybe the fact that things aren’t working out are a sign… idk. I’m just a little bit too tired to reason about all of this right now. I’ll write more as soon as I can concentrate enough. I love y’all! <3

Wipe Away All The Pains of Yesterday

More like the pains of today... but what the hell. I guess I'll just deal with it. So for the most part of today I've just been sitting around because life hasn't been treating me very well. Today, I found out the wonderful news that Harryson never liked me in the first place... he's such a player and I kind of want to kill him right now. Hmmm. I can actually concentrate right now, and I'm just a little bit happy that this whole damn situation is over, at least for the most part. For once I thought that a guy might have actually cared about me, but it appears that I was utterly misinformed. I am seriously dying inside right now, because he was one of the nicest--or seemingly nicest guys I have ever met, and I thought that for once there was a guy that actually wanted to pursue a relationship with me, instead of just participating in friendship like usually happens with guys. I have only three exes in my life. Tyler, who was my best friend, Jason Daniels who I actually didn't know very well, and Erik who I only went out with for about two weeks. I am so tired right now, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to last very long tomorrow without bursting into tears in front of everyone. I'm not afraid to do it, actually. I want to see more of Harryson, but I'm kind of afraid to see where this leads. If I get sunk anymore into this stupid situation then I am seriously going to take drastic action and move somewhere very very far away. Like maybe Italy, or Bermuda. I just want to go somewhere where no one will ever be able to find me unless they are like Garcia from Criminal Minds, which I doubt is going to be very easy. Basically, I want to disappear from the face of the earth and never be seen again, without dying. I have dreams and everything, but I'm kind of finding it hard to pursue them in my current point in time with all of this depression. I'm kind of just a little bit angry with all of those bastards out there who think they can trick me with their lies... I kind of want someone who will understand me even when I can't, someone who will listen to me even when I sound really stupid. I want someone who is like Justin from my novel, the one who will always be there to protect me even when things seem hopeless. I really thought that would be Harryson, but maybe I was wrong... I should probably go now, but I'll try to write more later.
<3 y'all!

Not So Broken Today

Well as of 12:00 AM, I've decided today is actually a pretty good day. At least for right now... <3 Well I've been a little bit happier lately, but not too much because that would just be too weird to have me be really happy all of a sudden when I'm supposed to be all depressed. I mean, seriously! Who just pops up all happy after twelve or thirteen weeks of major depression.Well, I have a new love-interest... <3  His name is Harryson Thompson, and actually he's a year younger than me, but I think he's going to work out a lot better they would with the lion. Don't worry, I'll try to make this short--or as short as possible... I'm not sure how short I can manage though. I have been thinking a lot. So my friend is pretty sure that this guy likes me back, but I'm still not completely sure even though I read the whole conversation that they had over Facebook... it's kind of hard to understand though. It's written in more of a guy language so it's a bit more difficult to read... like guys say it's hard for them to understand a girls mind, this is what I feel about  this whole situation with Harryson. I now it's really stupid to ask for advice from people who don't even know me, but  I'm supposed to be asking him out on Monday and I kind of need to get the courage to do that. I tried on Friday, but he wasn't able to talk for very long, so I didn't even get to the part where I ask him out. I've tried distractions... from like every single thing I can think of.. but nothing works. It's like he's meant to be the only thing on my mind. Ugh, I'm so tired, but like it's always been before I can't sleep... maybe I'm like not supposed to be sleeping but I highly doubt that. I think that my nervousness would have some respect for my need for sleep, right but no, they just have to let me deal with what it wants me to deal with! Sorry this is getting long, and I haven't even gotten to the point yet, so I'll end here and just try to explain later. Love y'all! <3

New Boyfriend.... Maybe

Yes, I may be getting a new boyfriend. I may just be getting hooked up with this eighth grader who is on the wrestling team who happens to be really sexy. Sorry, pardon my language, but it is a fact! He's single, and looking for a girlfriend, but I got this huge lecture from my other friend who doesn't approve of my liking him because apparently he's a flirt. I'm so mad at her right now, and I think the only reason she disapproves of this relationship between me and him is because she's been hurt so many times by guys she just doesn't trust them anymore. I'm different then her and I can't understand why she doesn't trust me in simple things. I understand that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but seriously, sometimes I can handle myself without a babysitter which is what she's being. The guys have a wrestling practice today after school and I'm kind of torn between going to all of that, and missing out on Miamaid Camp, or going to part of it and still going to camp. The reason I would stay the whole time is because I wanted to talk to this guy after the practice and get to know him... I guess I could just text him like my friend suggested, but I think it would work a lot better to talk in person because I usually use electronics to hide behind when I can really be myself... See my issue? I mean, I feel like I need to go to Miamaid camp, but I still want to talk to this guy, and see what my options are. I did get dressed up just for him... and I mightaswell take advantage of that. My friend seems to think that her friend--the guy who I might go out with will like me just as much as I like him, but he seems to be out of my league because of how amazing he is. Okay, maybe I should stop complaining now... I have a good life, but I need someone to take care of me. You know what I'm saying? Someone who can love me more than my parents can, and who will respect me, and help me make good decisions. I need a guy who will hold me in his arms when I'm sad, and wipe away my tears when I cry. Well, tears are coming to my eyes now... and I don't know why. I've been told that guys aren't worth your tears, but seriously, some really are... also, I've been told that the boy who is worth your tears won't make you cry... I don't know what to believe anymore. Believe it or not, I have been hurt too. I'm one of those girls who loves hard, then falls even harder. Believe me, it sucks to be me. No, I am most definitely not suicidal again, but I'm kind of on the verge of tears. I think things are going to work out, then kaboom, they don't; and I'm thrown back into the despair that I've always seemed to find myself in. I think I'm going to be a lot happier when I've figured all of this out, and I'm happily talking to Harrison/Harryson however you spell it. Yep, just gave you his name! Anyway, wish me luck! I still haven't made my decision about the practice, but I know that I have to go to a little bit of wrestling. I just hope he doesn't get hurt again... <3

another day in the life of me

Well, I do believe it's time for me to do another blog post, on this blog that lots of people happen to have read, but I'm not getting any feedback. I guess I could look at this in a different way... I'm not getting any negative feedback, so that's a good thing. I have such a huge headache right now! My two year old sister is screaming her lungs out because my mom wouldn't let her sit on her lap because she was screaming. I can't wait to get under the warm covers! I just put my blanket in the washer so when it comes out its going to be nice and toasty on this February evening. I'm goin' skiing tomorrow with a really close family friend of  ours, and I am way excited! We get to spend practically the whole day with them, and it's great because it's been forever since we did anything involving messing around with them. I see the girl whose my age every day at school, but we never really talk anymore and I actually miss it a lot! Sorry about all of these exclamation points I'm using, I'm just in a really good mood right now. For the LDS church that I attend regularly we had a  a dance yesterday--Well it would have been yesterday earlier... Right now, it's 12:20 so it's more of a morning that an evening. So, anyway we had a dance, and honestly, it was one of the awesomest nights of my life. Yeah, I danced with soem hot guys. But also, the exciting part is that most of them asked me instead of me having to walk up to them with courage and ask them myself. One of the guys I danced with I have had a crush on for the longest time. Well, as long as this year anyway.

There was this other guy I've known for like forever, and I actually used to like and I had no idea that he he even thought of me at all because of certain things that happened between me and him... I'll explain all of that later. So anyway he just came right up and asked me... Personally I think he likes me but who ever really knows for sure, right? Anyway, I'm going to find out sometime or another. Thanks for listening to my rambling! Love you guys!
Confused.

Oh Joy.... This is going to be interesting

Well, yes I'm doing something very interesting right now... I'm typing upside down. You know how you can flip the screen over to a different view well this morning I figured out how to make it go upside down and I'm kind of used to it upside down now so I don't think I'm going to be changing int any time soon. Sorry for any typos. I can't help it. My spelling is different when I see words the backwards way they're supposed to be. Anyway, there was a Valentines Dance yesterday and even though  I said I was going to dance with a lot of guys, I only danced with one. No, it wasn't the lion because this happened to be a school dance and if you remember, he's in college. Anyway, back to the point of this whole thing. Sorry if I start rambling... sometimes it happens. So, for the first twenty minutes or so of the Valentines Dance I just stood around staring at certain people that I really wanted to dance with. Then I saw him dancing with an eight grader and I flipped. I had to try as hard as I could to hold in a scream... somehow it cam out anyway. Well, I finally did get my dance with Evan after like another half an hour o just standing there all depressed, my friends finally pushed me over to him and made me ask him... we started talking about braces, but soon that got boring so I casually started talking about the fact that both of us play piano and we're on the same level. He said he hated it, and I admitted that it was more of a girl thing to do. Then we got into sports... he plays rugby and football... ooh two of the hottest sports that guys can play. Along with basketball and several others. I went home floating on a cloud after that dance... For some reason all I needed to do was look into his eyes and then I'd feel like everything was fine. The really ironic thing about all of this is that I was watching Criminal Minds this morning and there was one where this lady looked into his eyes and that's why she fell into his trap. He said he loved her and everything, and the blasted idiot believed that murderous wench. Well I'm feeling very emotional today, aren't I. I should probably go soon, but there should be more coming later. I love all of you guys and I love your support!!! Woohoo!

Love,
Broken, but healing slowly
<3

Ugh Parents :/

Well I only have fifteen minutes so I'm going to try to make this quick. Yesterday I decided that I was going to get on a chat room. My parents are being really annoying. So I got onto this special chat place for teens and if you do anything inappropriate then you get booted off automatically. The first person that tried to talk to me was just a jerk so I talked mostly with the next person. BTW all of the people I talked to were guys. So the second guy I started talking to--I mean, started talking to me-- happens to be a really good friend right now, and also maybe my boyfriend soon.We've been texting all day, and were friends on Facebook and he's a guy I really trust even though he lives all the way in California and I'll probably not meet him till I take a visit there. It's really hard to concentrate right now, so it'll probably not be much longer. So anyway, I went on a long walk today and while I was standing in 711 I texted Erik and I told him that he was the guy I'd been asking for advice about. He said that that was cool and that he thought I sounded nice and that I was fun to talk to. So, I asked him if he would ever consider going out with me, and he told me that he wanted to see what I looked like because I don't have very many pictures on Facebook. So I'm going to get him a picture as soon as possible. In other words, probably not for a week or so because my camera has been being really dumb lately. Anyway, he's probably one of the cutest and nicest and funniest guys I have ever met and I just hope that he'll be my Valentine because I don't want to spend this Valentine's Day single like I always do. I would give you a picture of him but I promised that if he gave me a picture of him I'd just keep it to myself instead of showing it off to the whole world. I have been so tired all day... I'm not even sure why though. I looked on the computer at the difference in Timezones between California and Utah and Utah is one hour ahead of California and I've been comparing our times all day for some reason. Erik is so easy to talk to and I've been thinking that it's probably because he's almost a complete stranger. I've never talked to him in person but I feel like were already best friends. I know he has his friends and I have mine, but I feel like him and I have become really good friends already. He swears, but not too bad.... and we have so much in common it's insane--sorry about that-- I promised I'd stop talking about being insane. I just hope that Erik says yes, because I can't really deal with anything like refusal right now. Life is already so difficult that I can't take anymore. I'm not talking about doing anything stupid... but I feel like I need something like a long nap, or maybe hibernation. I guess I'll just pray about it. He's my age, and completely trustworthy. G'night. I guess I had better go. My parents are probably reading this over my shoulder.

Love,
The Daydreamer

Good News!

Well I'm pretty happy right now... It's really early in the morning right now and I haven't been able to sleep again. I don't know what's wrong but it's so dumb.I'm watching Wizards of Waverly Place. It's really dumb how easily Justin is getting blackmailed into telling secrets about being a wizard. Thank goodness it's taking away all of the problems I've been having recently with my emotions.Ooh so dramatic. It was so easy for them to make Justin believe that aliens were going to attack the earth by making a fake alien voice. Also, I made the choice to request Claron as a friend on Facebook. I know for some people that wouldn't be such a big deal to some people, but to me it's such a big deal because he just accepted it about ten minutes ago. I haven't been having very good dreams lately. Actually, I can't really just say not very good dreams because they have been a lot worse than that. They are more like nightmares




It all started when I found out he loved me. (Remember this was a dream) I had been crushing on him--and still am in real life--for what felt like forever, and now that I was of legal age to date him he finally took the courage to ask me out. We started going out, and eventually the feelings became deeper than just a crush. I could feel he was going to ask to marry me.

In my dream, we were dancing. Twirling around in tight circles. I could tell that at that point he never wanted to let me go. We danced for what felt like hours until our feet hurt. So, we stopped dancing. The moon above us was full and bright, and smiles played on both of our lips. Then, what I had been waiting for for the longest time happened. He leaned down and kissed me.

I could feel the emotions he was feeling. Love, desparation. Want. It zoomed to a few weeks prior to that. He and his family were sitting at a picnic in a feild that I recognized for some reason. I wasn't there. Neither was his sister who happens to be my best, and closest friend. The song "I Won't Let Go," by Rascal Flatts played in the background, but it wasn't from the point of view the original song is from. It was from the person who was in harms way's point of view. "Don't let me go," I heard my voice say.

Then it zoomed to a pair of trees. There I hung in a noose. I don't know where this dream came from, but it totally creeped me out and I woke up in tears.

The only thing they felt at that picnic was my spirit.aven't really been having very good dreams lately. Actually, it's been a bit more than not very good dreams... it's more like a nightmare. Here, I'll copy it here for you.


Depressing, huh... Well, I better let you stop reading this now even though I love it when you do. Lov eyou! Goodnight!

Her It goes again

Well I'm back. I am so exhausted, so this may be really short, even though that isn't what I want right now. I am so confused. I've already seen Tyler like four times today and I've been acting like nothing happened, but I've noticed that I've talked to myself a lot more. Wow, it's kind of scary to be typing while I'm half asleep. I won't make this too long, I'm just going to try to keep myself under control and keep myself as awake as I can. Well, my eyes are drooping lower and lower by the second so I should probably just stop right now, but if I fall asleep I'd probably have a nightmare so I'm just going to continue on with my half-awake rambling. I'm in Study Skills and we're talking about paying attention in class. Yeah, I don't think that is going to work very good for me. Tears are coming into my eyes again but I'm not going to cry because I don't really want my mascara all over my face, and I'm really sure that I don't want anybody to see me cry like I did this morning. I know, it's dumb to cry over guys, but I can't really help it! I cry like every few months or another about guys. I think my depression meds are making me stay up all night because of lack of sleep... and then when I try to go to school I get really tired and I can't manage just to stay awake. I almost fell asleep. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. I wish I could just get an answer without having all of the stress beating down on me. I guess I need to read my scriptures or something. I felt so much better on Friday after I had read the scriptures for awhile--like two hours. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm freakin' exhausted. I don't even sound excited as I usually do about being at school. I guess it's just because I'm tired and I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Like guys. Yeah, what a surprise huh? I'm probably going to go soon, I can't think of much else to write. Just remember that I'll try to be in a good mood when i finally wake up from this slumber.

Love, Goodbye!

EMMA

Well this is Depressing.

Time for another long day! Well, if you could only see me now. I'm listening to Phantom of the Opera again, and I haven't slept at all again... I know, so lame. If you could only see the tears pouring out of my eyes and soul right now. Then maybe you'd be sorry. Then maybe you'd actually consider giving me a chance. Sorry, told you this was depressing. We were talking in Sunday School today about trials and adversity, and I just happened to mention that the adversity in my life right now, is him being out of my league. I know, it sounds really dumb to some people, but because of the age difference I'm really afraid to say that it's true. Every time I'm near him I feel this magic inside of me that gives me momentary happiness that only lasts for a minute. Then I realize once again that he could never really love me. I know I'm having a lot of doubt right now, and you guys would say that anything is possible, but my belief at the moment is that no matter how many times I try to deny it, he will always bee most definitely out of my league, unless some miracle happens, which I highly doubt will because of the age gap. My grandma always talks about how amazing this guy is, and honestly, by how I talk about him I don't think I need anyone to tell me how amazing he is. I think it's really ironic how I keep on complaining to every body about not being able to sleep and concentrate. People tell me that it's my own choice if I sleep or not, but I really have to argue. I can't concentrate because I have really complicated things on my mind and if you've ever tried to clear things away from your mind like that, then you know how I feel. It's always on my mind--what he thinks about me--which I know, it definitely isn't a lot. I just wish I could do something to make him notice me more than he does. I've prayed about it... I know, insane, and I feel such a strong spirit about that decision. And don't you dare laugh at me! I write on here to write how I feel and it's your fault if you don't agree with what I say. Sometimes I just have to say  what I believe, and let people not understand if that's the way they want things to go. I think it's stupid how I always talk about how it's impossible to go sleep, and how my dreams are the only place I can be completely happy. So, in other words I'm living a really hard life right now, because I can't go to my dream world where everything seems to go my way. I fall in love so easily, and then I get hurt a lot. I've decided that I'm temporarily building up a wall around me so no one can hurt me. I'm not sure how long that's going to work though. The tears are still coming, and I still can't figure out how to make them stop. I've been so annoyed with my growing attraction to my ex when I had my whole future life planned out. Now that I think about it, actually. When he and I were in fifth grade he was already talking about our honeymoon. People used to tease me and him that we would get married one day, but now I see that that definitely isn't going to work out the way we thought it was. I swear, with all of the thoughts I have I could write a novel in five minutes. I wish I could fall asleep. I close my eyes, but for some stupid reason the thought of even having a bad dream is scaring me too much. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. More later.

Teary Eyed.

Good Morning

Yeah.... no. After a long try at falling asleep, I finally gave up at 3:45 in the morning. I'm insane. I swear I'm about to fall asleep, but funny thing is, it won't come. No matter how hard I try, I can't get sucked back into that dream world that I've been so happy in before the past three nights. I don't know what it is about my dreams, but they always either end really happy or really sad... It's really messed up, and seeing Claron last night didn't really help even though I was way excited to see him like any other girl in love would be. Yesterday he was standing right behind me while I was eating dinner and Anne told me he was staring right at me and it wasn't a good stare.... later, she told me he hadn't even been looking at all. All evening I had been worried about the fact that he knew how I really felt even though there is some part of me--even if it's tiny--that really wants to know what he thinks, because he's the kind of guy I want to watch scary movies with, and crime shows, and feel-good movies. Basically, forgive the comparison to that baby, but basically, Claron is my Romeo. I know, way cheesy but I couldn't help it. It's almost four o'clock now, 3:50 to be exact, and I'm still nowhere close to sleeping. I was sitting up in my bed for most of last night imagining what it would be like if things really were working out for me and Claron. It's been really nice knowing that he doesn't really know, and  that my deepest but not darkest secret is still safe with me for now. I was sitting on Anne's couch yesterday, and I started writing a song about 'the lion', but I didn't get very far before Anne told me that he really didn't know, and that she was having an off day like me. I can't listen to music because of the fact that it happens to be 3:54 AM, and that I don't have any headphones because I left them at Anne's so I'm kind of screwed there in a sense.

She was teasing me yesterday, about how I like her brother, and she was saying stuff like, 'you like my brother', and 'he has a car,' and 'I can tell him things...' I was pretty scared there for a minute, because I didn't know what kind of things Anne meant... Now, I know she was just kidding about the whole thing. I was sitting at the dinner table--this was before he was standing behind me, and I was staring off into the distance and I started hearing and seeing things the way I wish they were in my mind's eye. It was a scene from Twilight... the one where Edward is singing Bella to bed, but it was me and 'the lion' in the scene instead of the normal characters, and 'the lion' didn't happen to be a vampire so I was safe. Wow, I'm tearing up over here.

I guess it's already been too long since I've seen him to have his face memorized... I mean, I have the basics of it, like the eye shape, and lip shape, but the contours of his face, and his nose, those ones have always been harder for me to get. I would find a way to put a pic of him on here, but that would just end badly because Anne is most likely reading this right now, and she would probably slap me if I did. All I really know right now, is that I see a future in him, and I will do almost anything to get him to feel the same about me. I should probably try to get back to bed soon, but I'll probably be back in an hour or so.... It's four o'clock, and I am still not asleep.
i
--Emotionally Tired.

Yet Another Post

Well, I'm here again... :/ As always, when I write I seem to be thinking a lot. Right now, I'm thinking a lot more deeply than I was last night or even this morning. Well, I saw him tonight. Anne's brother. She wrote a lovely story about 'the lion' that we named him because of a recent story that happened. Here, I'll give you what she wrote... but beware, it's copyrighted... by who? Me and Anne. It's for a book I'm writing called 'A Boy Called Lion'... Yes, Lion is his name.

His name was Lion. He appeared out of nowhere. Just out of the blue; one moment I was all alone feeling as insignificant as a fly on the wall, then he came. I felt so important all of a sudden. I knew we were meant for each other, although he didn’t even know me yet. Slowly, we became friends, and as things progressed I often thought I caught him looking at me more and more, and in a way that made me feel hopeful. On my birthday, he finally asked me. We were inseparable after that…or so I thought. The end of school was approaching, and we were forced to study harder, meaning there was less time for us to be together. Finally, after all of the tests were over we got back together. Laughing, talking, or simply being with him was indescribable. I knew I had finally found the one. Then one evening, we were walking along a creek, it was nearly sunset. All at once we stopped and looked into each other’s eyes; his deep blue, with a hint of green; drawing me deeper and deeper into his love. The songs of all the birds seemed to mix into such a pleasant and peaceful melody. Then just as he was leaning in to kiss me, I heard the shot. He froze, motionless for a moment, and then he fell; it seemed almost to happen in slow motion. Behind him I saw the hunter; she had finally caught the lion off guard. I do not recall hearing or feeling the pain of the second shot; all I remember is seeing that face of the friend I thought I knew so well. Just before it was over she said, “Emma, I warned you not to go for him.” Those were the last words my friend ever spoke to me before she ended my life; the last and terrible words spoken to me by Anne, whom I had trusted and confided in with so much.

Well, I should probably get to bed... I'll probably write more early this morning though. I love everyone... and Lion. Oh, and I sent a pciture of a lion to my dear friend to see what she'd do, and she hasn't responded. Whatever.... GOOD NIGHT!

--Glowing.

Oh, and here's a picture of a lion...

That's right, it's a lion... and me, with the lion... Since you are probably now reading this Anne.... There ya go you can look at it all night long if you wish ;) Okay, now I must really get my sleep. Good Night y'all!

--Still Glowing!

Oh Joy... Another Day

Well, I just happened to realize why Elliott checked out of school yesterday. I was reading a post of his on Facebook one day and he said he had to get braces on the 30th of January. That, was yesterday. Apparently I forgot because as you remember I was spazzing out and all the lovely crap that comes with the guy you like being exempt from gym. Today should go better though. Also, yesterday I was going to hang out with my friend Anne and then my mother and my dear dear father made me go to a dumb family night thing last night, and now I realized that the twenty year old was indeed at home and if I had gone to my dear friends house I would have seen him! :( Now I'm just a little bit more than upset. It's been three weeks since I've seen them. I don't really remember if I told you that yesterday. I'm not going to tell you the whole story about this guy but I've told you before that every time I'm around him I feel amazing. I've been praying about it a lot lately--about making the right choices in this situation and I've decided that when it becomes legal age to date him, that would be eighteen because he's twenty right now I'm going to try to help him through all of his problems and bring him the happiness that I know he deserves. See, he and I both have some serious mental issues that we are dealing with right now, and I feel like I should be the one to help him even if it may be harder than I can think of right now. I've been trying to muster up all of the courage I have but it's so hard to just listen when you need answers. We as people tend to just want to do things ourselves and not consult in the help of others but I've learned that sometimes the easiest way to get an answer is to just take the risk and see where it goes from there. Every time him, my friend, and I are watching TV I just want to go over and sit by him, and lean my head on his chest and have him scratch my back. Yes, I know, very creepy. I'm just sharing how I feel on this blog, so if you get creeped out all by what I say, don't complain to me just stop reading. Yeah, I'm giving you permission to just leave this blog, and it would be nice if you did come back after you got over the shock of my thoughts, but if not, I do understand. I've only known the twenty year old for about a month now--wow, just a little bit more than a month--and I still kind of want to do things that you probably shouldn't even know very much about at my age. I've even had very vivid dreams that are rated R and I'm kind of scaring myself because as a matter of fact, I LOVE them. I wake up smiling, or crying the morning after of happiness not because I was scared silly. I'm way mature for my age which is why I told my grandma last night that I was going to marry the twenty year old in 2017. Well, I should probably wrap up now, because you are surely getting bored by reading all of this nonsense about someone's life who you don't even know.

Broken... But Beating

Tell me you don't love this cat! <3