Yeah.... no. After a long try at falling asleep, I finally gave up at 3:45 in the morning. I'm insane. I swear I'm about to fall asleep, but funny thing is, it won't come. No matter how hard I try, I can't get sucked back into that dream world that I've been so happy in before the past three nights. I don't know what it is about my dreams, but they always either end really happy or really sad... It's really messed up, and seeing Claron last night didn't really help even though I was way excited to see him like any other girl in love would be. Yesterday he was standing right behind me while I was eating dinner and Anne told me he was staring right at me and it wasn't a good stare.... later, she told me he hadn't even been looking at all. All evening I had been worried about the fact that he knew how I really felt even though there is some part of me--even if it's tiny--that really wants to know what he thinks, because he's the kind of guy I want to watch scary movies with, and crime shows, and feel-good movies. Basically, forgive the comparison to that baby, but basically, Claron is my Romeo. I know, way cheesy but I couldn't help it. It's almost four o'clock now, 3:50 to be exact, and I'm still nowhere close to sleeping. I was sitting up in my bed for most of last night imagining what it would be like if things really were working out for me and Claron. It's been really nice knowing that he doesn't really know, and that my deepest but not darkest secret is still safe with me for now. I was sitting on Anne's couch yesterday, and I started writing a song about 'the lion', but I didn't get very far before Anne told me that he really didn't know, and that she was having an off day like me. I can't listen to music because of the fact that it happens to be 3:54 AM, and that I don't have any headphones because I left them at Anne's so I'm kind of screwed there in a sense.
She was teasing me yesterday, about how I like her brother, and she was saying stuff like, 'you like my brother', and 'he has a car,' and 'I can tell him things...' I was pretty scared there for a minute, because I didn't know what kind of things Anne meant... Now, I know she was just kidding about the whole thing. I was sitting at the dinner table--this was before he was standing behind me, and I was staring off into the distance and I started hearing and seeing things the way I wish they were in my mind's eye. It was a scene from Twilight... the one where Edward is singing Bella to bed, but it was me and 'the lion' in the scene instead of the normal characters, and 'the lion' didn't happen to be a vampire so I was safe. Wow, I'm tearing up over here.
I guess it's already been too long since I've seen him to have his face memorized... I mean, I have the basics of it, like the eye shape, and lip shape, but the contours of his face, and his nose, those ones have always been harder for me to get. I would find a way to put a pic of him on here, but that would just end badly because Anne is most likely reading this right now, and she would probably slap me if I did. All I really know right now, is that I see a future in him, and I will do almost anything to get him to feel the same about me. I should probably try to get back to bed soon, but I'll probably be back in an hour or so.... It's four o'clock, and I am still not asleep.
i
--Emotionally Tired.
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