Well this is Depressing.

Time for another long day! Well, if you could only see me now. I'm listening to Phantom of the Opera again, and I haven't slept at all again... I know, so lame. If you could only see the tears pouring out of my eyes and soul right now. Then maybe you'd be sorry. Then maybe you'd actually consider giving me a chance. Sorry, told you this was depressing. We were talking in Sunday School today about trials and adversity, and I just happened to mention that the adversity in my life right now, is him being out of my league. I know, it sounds really dumb to some people, but because of the age difference I'm really afraid to say that it's true. Every time I'm near him I feel this magic inside of me that gives me momentary happiness that only lasts for a minute. Then I realize once again that he could never really love me. I know I'm having a lot of doubt right now, and you guys would say that anything is possible, but my belief at the moment is that no matter how many times I try to deny it, he will always bee most definitely out of my league, unless some miracle happens, which I highly doubt will because of the age gap. My grandma always talks about how amazing this guy is, and honestly, by how I talk about him I don't think I need anyone to tell me how amazing he is. I think it's really ironic how I keep on complaining to every body about not being able to sleep and concentrate. People tell me that it's my own choice if I sleep or not, but I really have to argue. I can't concentrate because I have really complicated things on my mind and if you've ever tried to clear things away from your mind like that, then you know how I feel. It's always on my mind--what he thinks about me--which I know, it definitely isn't a lot. I just wish I could do something to make him notice me more than he does. I've prayed about it... I know, insane, and I feel such a strong spirit about that decision. And don't you dare laugh at me! I write on here to write how I feel and it's your fault if you don't agree with what I say. Sometimes I just have to say  what I believe, and let people not understand if that's the way they want things to go. I think it's stupid how I always talk about how it's impossible to go sleep, and how my dreams are the only place I can be completely happy. So, in other words I'm living a really hard life right now, because I can't go to my dream world where everything seems to go my way. I fall in love so easily, and then I get hurt a lot. I've decided that I'm temporarily building up a wall around me so no one can hurt me. I'm not sure how long that's going to work though. The tears are still coming, and I still can't figure out how to make them stop. I've been so annoyed with my growing attraction to my ex when I had my whole future life planned out. Now that I think about it, actually. When he and I were in fifth grade he was already talking about our honeymoon. People used to tease me and him that we would get married one day, but now I see that that definitely isn't going to work out the way we thought it was. I swear, with all of the thoughts I have I could write a novel in five minutes. I wish I could fall asleep. I close my eyes, but for some stupid reason the thought of even having a bad dream is scaring me too much. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. More later.

Teary Eyed.